Archive for the 'My Life' Category

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KEvin as an Inanimate Object

So now I know. Now I know what it feels like to sit in a corner, unused, untouched, and ignored. Now I know what it must feel like to say “When somebody loved me everything was beautiful.” You know what I think the worst part is, the waiting. One day you are being used, played with, and you have a purpose and then it just stops. So you spend everyday thinking, is this the day I will become useful again, is this the day someone will find a reason to give me a purpose. It’s definitely the waiting that drives you crazy.
I remember when Jacob dropped my 300gb hard drive. I’m sure if it had feelings it got tired of the waiting because there is a process you go through when things break, an analysis process. You have to decide whether or not it is worth the time, effort, and money it will take to repair that object or if you should simply replace it. Yea… the waiting has to hurt the worst. It’s like an innocent prisoner being convicted and waiting on his sentence. The story with my hard drive, ended well for him (not so much for me). The hard drive held so many unbacked up, unreplaceable memories, in the form of documents and pictures, that I couldn’t just replace it, so I needed to fix it. So I invested over $2,000 into fixing that thing and holding onto those cherished memories. It was worth it… for me and for him.

Kevin now knows how it feels to be a broken inanimate object waiting and wondering if he is worth fixing or just replaceable.

My Lucky Penny

Just like Scrooge McDuck on DuckTales I, too, had a lucky penny. It was a penny I had found when I was 5. I treasured this penny… it stood out from all the other pennies I had ever seen. I used to carry it in my pocket every where I went, I would run around the playground at school and pretend I was Scrooge McDuck. A couple of times I even convinced other people to chase after me… we would pretend they were after my lucky penny. I would run under a swing and then the kid chasing me would follow and get knocked over by the kid on the swing as it came back down, as swings usually do. (Ahhh… I miss those days) But anyway I am straying from the point. The truth is I loved that penny! I still have it to this day, but unfortunately it doesn’t hold the same value it used to. Do you know why? Because of JACOB!
You see, once I met Jake and he explained that my lucky penny was nothing more than a “wheat penny” and there were millions of these things produced between the years of 1909 and 1958 and that my “lucky penny” was nothing special then, sadly, my days as the proud owner of a heck-a-cool lucky penny were over.
So anyway, I say all of that to say, maybe I was just created with a tendency to play pretend on the playground. Maybe community, much like my lucky penny, is something that can only be imagined. That maybe friendships were never meant to be anything more than two individuals selfishly seeking after what makes them happy, being kind to each other for only a moment. Maybe I lost another lucky penny to this cruel thing we call reality.

(And yes… before I get corrected by everyone… Scrooge McDuck had a lucky dime not a lucky penny. I WAS 5! Give me a break! Geesh!)

Resist Not Evil!?

Negativity Breeds Negativity…

“You have heard that it was said, `AN EYE FOR AN EYE, AND A TOOTH FOR A TOOTH.’ “But I say to you, do not resist evil; but whoever slaps you on your right cheek, turn the other to him also.”
Matthew 5:58,39

We have ALL grown up in a society that teaches us to fight fire with fire. They have taught us that when we are faced with evil we have the right to fight. The structure of our whole society depends on matching evil with evil: when someone treats us unfairly we sue them, if someone takes something from us we prosecute them, murderers face murder, and alcoholic father’s deserve to lose their family, the list goes on and on. We have been taught ‘AN EYE FOR AN EYE, AND A TOOTH FOR A TOOTH and it has created a monster; a monster inside of us!
…But Jesus Said
“Do not resist evil; but whoever slaps you on your right cheek, turn the other to him also.”
Jesus changed the name of the game. He was making the point that fighting “fire with fire” only creates more fire. He was asking us to give the fire the opportunity to die out. Instead of meeting evil for evil, present evil with the opportunity to change.
It’s time to start showing we actually believe in the words of Jesus. “Resist not evil.” Face it! Endure it! Give the person the opportunity to make the right choice, and when they fail, do it again.
This might be one of the hardest things to actually live out, to put yourself in a place where you will be hurt, taken advantage of, used, and often times left alone almost completely destroyed in order to give those who chose evil the opportunity to chose differently.

There is no Jesus in giving a man what he deserves, but it’s the very essence of Jesus himself to give a man the opportunity to change, especially when it means facing a lifetime of pain.

“Whoever does not carry his own cross and come after Me cannot be My disciple. Lu 14:27

“Then Peter came and said to Him, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him? Up to seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.” Matt 18:22

“You have heard that it was said, `AN EYE FOR AN EYE, AND A TOOTH FOR A TOOTH.’ “But I say to you, do not resist evil; but whoever slaps you on your right cheek, turn the other to him also. “If anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, let him have your coat also. “Whoever forces you to go one mile, go with him two. “Give to him who asks of you, and do not turn away from him who wants to borrow from you. ” Matt 5:58

Quote of the Week

So… This weeks quote goes right along with the lessons I learned last week from my friend at starbucks and from mister Hugh Laurie.

“Life must be understood backward. But one forgets the other principle, that it must be lived forward. When one analyzes this latter principle one inevitably comes to the conclusion that life in time can never be properly understood because no moment in which one is living can acquire the complete stillness necessary to orient oneself backward.”
– Søren Kierkegaard

How I Feel Now.

So the last couple of weeks I’ve been bursting with confusion and loneliness, so much so, that I think my head burst open a couple of days ago and I’m leaking from the brain. It’s amazing how one small change in a person’s life can change one’s perspective of their past, present, and future. My life is about to take a turn that scares me shitless… A few years ago I became very aware that God was pointing me toward a very different and difficult lifestyle. The difference between then and now is that, back then I believed that I wasn’t going to be taking steps toward that lifestyle on my own. I had a friend, a great friend, that believed his life was headed down the same path and we thought we could head that direction together. Now for the first time, I have to continue to make steps moving my life in that direction while he has stopped. And while he has done so for good reason, it has me completely scared to move my feet, for I know that quite possibly the next steps I take will be alone.


I can’t keep from thinking about a short discussion I had while I was home. It’s one of those conversations that you can tell in the long scheme of things is going to be an important one, a conversation aborning a life at a crossroads.
So here I was sitting at Starbucks and in comes one of my favorite customers, I really mean it; on a list a mile long of my favorite customers this lady is on the top of my list. (She used to get a Double Tall 1 pump, nonfat, no whip, no foam, extra hot, vanilla latte.) Anyway, I immediately head toward the door with my arms opening to give her a hug. It was so good to see her! The first question she spoke, was the one question that proved she was able to read me like a book, “Are you back for good?” So we spoke for a while, about why I was thinking of moving back home. She then mentioned an idea. “I don’t believe in mistakes,” she said again reading my every look. “It wasn’t a mistake to go and it’s not a mistake to come back.”

Then later, while I was sitting on a airplane waiting for the captain to arrive (I waited an hour and half) I picked up the magazine that was in the seat pocket in front of me. Hugh Laurie was on the cover and since I am a fan of his talented protrayal of Gregory House on the FOX drama “House” I decided to read the article. In the article Hugh Laurie says this while comparing his career as an actor to the short time he spent in competitive rowing competitions.

In both of them, you’re facing backward moving away from the direction you’re facing… When you look at other people’s careers, it’s very easy to see things as being constructed, planned, devised… In actual fact, I think we are all facing backward, stumbling from place to place, from one thing to the next, and it only takes shape in retrospect… At no point did I ever have a plan. I was simply facing backward, doing my best along the way.

The important thing to realize is that “truth” most likely balances out somewhere between this concept and the concept of living life purposefully, but it’s very interesting to me because I am very unbalanced on the side of planning my next several steps.

It’s probably going to work in my benefit that I don’t know what’s going to happen next. I’m sure Jake will agree.

While MY guitar gently weeps! (My Version)

Alright… so I believe in being open with the way I feel… and I believe in expressing those feelings in creative ways. This isn’t extremely creative and not extremely well done but it is me expressing!

I stare at my phone, just waiting for something.
While my guitar gently weeps
With hope for a change, that will leave more than nothing.
Still my guitar gently weeps

I watch as my world, it appears to be burning.
While my guitar gently weeps
All my ideas about life are now blurring.
Still my guitar gently weeps

I’m standing here now, watching love keep on dying.
While my guitar gently weeps
Watching what’s good slowly turn into nothing.
Still my guitar gently weeps

I look at the world through a dark shade of glasses.

I look at the world, and I think life’s a failure!

Happy 08/08/08!

HAPPY 08/08/08 Everybody… it only comes around every 100 years! I hope you did something special… Here are some pictures showing how I celebrated this very uniquie, once in a lifetime holiday!

Wish I Was There!

Congratulations to my community of peeps in Decatur for successfully planning an awesome event booth for Relay For Life. I know it took a lot of planning and fundraising. Thank you Katie!

You guys will never know how much I desired to be there with you. I know you guys would have loved to see me dressed head to foot in tats and I would have done it just for you guys! Please keep it up and maybe I will be able to come home for an event sometime in the future! PEACE!

***Here are some pictures I stole from Crystal’s Myspace page!

Home!? (Part 2)

I’ve dreamed of this place where all the things people fear the most don’t even exist; things like death, darkness, and evil. A place that solely consists of life, light, and goodness. A place so perfect that only God himself is worthy enough to remain there.
So what is this place? Is it our home? Maybe that’s what that feeling of home is… a glimpse of something so full of life, light and goodness. Maybe it’s a glimpse of the home we were created for. Is it possible that every genuine connection we experience with one another is the beginning of a journey that could lead us home. What if we took all the energy that we usually put toward preserving our dignity, our independence, our pride, and our right to pursue our own self-serving happiness and use it to develop real genuine relationships. Maybe then we would be closer to bridging the gap between our earthly dwelling and the place we were created for.
These thoughts make me ask other questions. Questions about the relationships themselves. Where do they come from? What happens when there gone? The times I feel most at home are times when real relationships are present. It makes me wonder if friendships are really even of this planet. Maybe every time a genuine connection is made it’s not only birthed here on this earth but also in heaven. Which would mean that maybe when the connection is no longer available on earth the connection remain available to us from heaven. I tend to believe that these real genuine connections never die. Every genuine connection I’ve ever had still lives on and is constantly changing me, it didn’t just change me just once, but continues to consistantly cause growth in my life. Maybe that’s what an angel really is, a genuine connection that forever continues to impact our lives even once the physical friendship is gone. And maybe that’s what home is, the place where we feel most connected. Maybe it’s time for the body of Christ to start making it’s way “home.”