Chasing My Tail

Life definitely takes its turns and I must have fallen asleep at the wheel because I’m not quite sure where I am. My life has experienced some unexpected losses and because of those losses my thoughts seem to send me in circles like a dog chasing its own tail. With all of my energy focused on trying to become a more selfless person I find that deep down I’m getting no where. I’m perplexed with thousands and thousands of questions that do nothing but overwhelm all of my senses. For the last week I’ve found it impossible to journal or write anything that accurately expresses any of my emotions or struggles. It’s like a big chunk of myself has fallen further and deeper into the black abyss that has become of my soul. I’m so confused that it seems that no matter what move I make I’m permanently stained as selfish. Selflessness towards a stranger seems selfish because it’s easier than being selfless to those around me in my life and being selfless to those in my life seem selfish only because in a mutual friendship you often get something in return, is selflessness really selfless if you get something out of it? Is the true selfless life a lonely one? What does true selflessness really look like?
All I know is that when I had someone to bounce these questions off of, I chased my tail a lot less and was more effective at bringing real change into my life. Is it possible that the truth is just easier to find when two people seek it together than when we seek on our own. And is it really unfair to say that I feel robbed because now I am forced to face these realities all on my own. And I can’t help but wonder if someone else feels this way as well.

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