Tag Archive for 'Life'

Two Lost Souls (My Random Thoughts)

I’m a dreamer, an idealist, an optimist… but not anymore, at least not right now. My dream has become my nightmare, my ideals are demolished, and my optimistic attitude has been beaten to a pulp and left out to die. What dreams and ideals am I referring to, you ask?

My hope for a friend. My hope for a companion. Two lost souls trying to make it through life’s hard times leaning back and forth on one another. Someone who cares about me and I care about them… making sure each other have what we need and encouraging each other to give of themselves to the world more than we take from it. A relationship built on trust, love, accountability, friendship, dedication, and selflessness. Oh, how I long to hear the words, “Kevin, I’m your best friend and you need to grow a pair.” or some other kind of friendly advice given from someone who knows me better than anybody else.

Now ideally this wouldn’t be a relationship based on co-dependency. Ideally, it would consist of a friendship where two people don’t need each other but choose to rely on each other anyway.

And Hey, I can’t be the only person who dreams of this… look at all the amazing fictional friendships that have been created over the years… Burt and Ernie, JD and Turk, Cory and Shawn, Lorelei and Rory, Ted and Marshall.

“We ain’t fussin’- cuz we got “us’n.” – How wonderful would that be.

I really want to know that my best friend still cares about me and has hope for some kind of future but
the Truth is I can’t change someones choices even if they do effect me and my life.

So for now I have to live with my dream and my nightmare!

“We ain’t fussin’- cuz we got “us’n.”

Chasing My Tail

Life definitely takes its turns and I must have fallen asleep at the wheel because I’m not quite sure where I am. My life has experienced some unexpected losses and because of those losses my thoughts seem to send me in circles like a dog chasing its own tail. With all of my energy focused on trying to become a more selfless person I find that deep down I’m getting no where. I’m perplexed with thousands and thousands of questions that do nothing but overwhelm all of my senses. For the last week I’ve found it impossible to journal or write anything that accurately expresses any of my emotions or struggles. It’s like a big chunk of myself has fallen further and deeper into the black abyss that has become of my soul. I’m so confused that it seems that no matter what move I make I’m permanently stained as selfish. Selflessness towards a stranger seems selfish because it’s easier than being selfless to those around me in my life and being selfless to those in my life seem selfish only because in a mutual friendship you often get something in return, is selflessness really selfless if you get something out of it? Is the true selfless life a lonely one? What does true selflessness really look like?
All I know is that when I had someone to bounce these questions off of, I chased my tail a lot less and was more effective at bringing real change into my life. Is it possible that the truth is just easier to find when two people seek it together than when we seek on our own. And is it really unfair to say that I feel robbed because now I am forced to face these realities all on my own. And I can’t help but wonder if someone else feels this way as well.

Quote of the Week (a.k.a Parable of the Week)

People come to a farm; they find there all that is necessary to sustain life, – A house well furnished, barns filled with grain, cellars and store-rooms well stocked with provisions, implements of husbandry, a life of comfort and ease. Each wishes to profit by this abundance, but each for himself, and begins to seize upon all that he can possibly grasp, without thinking of others, or of those who may come after. Then begins a veritable pillage; they fight for the milk and grain; they grasp more than they can consume. No one is able to sit down to the tranquil enjoyment of what he has, lest another take away the spoils already secured, to surrender them in turn to someone stronger. All these people leave the farm, bruised and famished. Thereupon the Master puts everything to rights, and arranges matters so that one may live there in peace. The farm is again a treasury of abundance. The comes another group of seekers, and the same struggle and tumult is repeated, till these in their turn go away bruised and angry, cursing the Master for providing so little and so ill. The good Master is not discouraged; he again provides for all that is needed to sustain life, and the same incidents are repeated over and over again.
Finally, among those who come to the farm, is one who says to his companions: “Comrades, how foolish we are! See how abundantly everything is supplied, how well everything is arranged! There is enough here for us and for those who will come after us; let us help one another. Let us work, plant, care for the dumb animals, and everyone will be satisfied.” Some of the company understand what this wise person says; they cease from fighting and from robbing one another, and begin to work. But others, who have not heard the words of the wise man, or who distrust him, continue their former pillage of the Masters goods. This condition of things lasts for a long time. Those who have followed the counsels of the wise man say to those about them: “Cease from fighting, cease from wasting the Master’s goods; you will be better off for doing so; follow the wise man’s advice.” Nevertheless, a great many do not hear and will not believe, and matters go on very much as they did before.”

Leo Tolsoi – “My Confession, My Life, My Religion” pg 129

And so it is, A life lived for yourself is a life of pillaging and robbery. Only is it when you allow yourself to be concerned not with your own needs but the needs of those around you that you choose the road of selflessness and compassion. A world of individuals is a world where only the tough survive. A world of communities is a world where everyone has enough.

The Conflict Between Self-Worth and Selflessness

Self worth is a tricky bastard. A person’s personal self worth, or what the individual thinks his own worth to be, is a need just as necessary as air and water and in my life I think I’ve sufficiently proven that life just can’t function with out it. Although, this is the place at with which I have found myself. What I have found is that I’m having trouble reconciling the idea of my self-worth with my goal of becoming more selfless. It seems as if my life has become a sort of negotiation between me and those closest to me in my life. “This is what I believe my life to be worth, what will you give me for it.” And those who I believed valued my life and my contributions to their life began to present really low bids, making me feel under valued. I deserve more! I am worth more! Why give myself to these ungrateful people, maybe I could find someone who would think I’m worth more. I often find myself angry, hurt, or just utterly dysfunctional because I believe that I deserve more care, concern, attention, or just plain love. So, then I thought maybe it would be easier to be selfless if I believed myself to be worth nothing. So obviously that didn’t work, it didn’t really make me want any less, it actually did the opposite, made me desperate for more. So what is the answer? Because I don’t believe life to be about getting what you deserve or about getting anything out of anyone. Life is about the giving not about the taking. So I can’t help but think “what is wrong with me.” “Why can’t I just not care about what I get.”
How am I supposed to just not care when I give my all and all I get in return is a slap in the face? So now I’m back trying to re-discover my self-worth after my little failed experiment, but am completely clueless about how I am going to learn to be satisfied with whatever treatment I get, because after getting the biggest slap in the face of my life here recently I’ve found that I’ve become rather cautious when it comes to giving everything I have. It feels impossible to overcome the pain, anger, and depression that has become life. Not to mention the longing I have to not walk this path alone. I long to find someone who wants this lifestyle of selflessness. A person who will walk along side me, someone who needs the same help, the same encouragement, the same accountability. How do I just not want? How do I become content with walking alone? How do I become selfless when I know I’m worth so much more.

Making Stuff…

I’m definitely not even close to working out all of the stuff going on in my world, but I at least had a thought today, who knows if it will stick with me. I was cooking this Pina Colada Bread Pudding for a group of friends tonight when I realized that life is kind of like cooking. You take all of this random stuff and you make something of it. And if you are good at it then the final product is something beautiful and delicious all in one.
I really need to learn to take all of this random painfully gross stuff that happens in life and craft it together into something beautiful and delicious. Some of us have better ingredients to deal with than others though. I feel like I have some pretty crappy ingredients.
So it’s just going to take a little more trial and error then some. I hope the relationships I have in my life are strong enough to take some trial and error, because it’s going to take a life time to get it right.
Don’t get me wrong… I love who I am. I love the person I’ve become. But I don’t like my life, my circumstances, I’m not happy because of external conditions; things I have no control over. Those are the ingredients of which I speak. Those are the things I need to learn to accept and use to my advantage; like taking random ingredients and putting them together to make the bread pudding that is my life.

Anyway here are some pictures and a really good recipe for Bread Pudding I stole from Disney.


Serves 12
1. Preheat Broiler. Cut bread into 1 inch cubes, spread on a cookie sheet, broil until golden brown.
2. Preheat oven to 350 degrees
3. Combine Toasted Bread and Pineapple in a Mixing Bowl and then spread into 13x9x2 pan and drizzle with melted butter.
4. Warm Milk in a medium saucepan over medium heat; do not boil. Whisk in eggs, heavy cream, sugar, coconut milk, and rum. Remove from heat.
5. Pour custard over bread mixture. Use fork to push down bread until bread is well soaked.
6. Bake 35 to 40 minutes.

For Rum Sauce
1. Combine egg yolks, cornstarch, 2 tablespoons of milk, and 1 tablespoon sugar in a small mixing bowl, stir until smooth.
2. Combine 1 cup milk, tablespoon of sugar, and 1 teaspoon of vanilla extract in a small saucepan over medium heat, and bring to a boil.
3. Whisk egg yolk mixture into saucepan.
4. Immediately pour into a bowl in an ice bath to prevent curdling. Add 1 tbsp of rum and whisk thoroughly.

KEvin as an Inanimate Object

So now I know. Now I know what it feels like to sit in a corner, unused, untouched, and ignored. Now I know what it must feel like to say “When somebody loved me everything was beautiful.” You know what I think the worst part is, the waiting. One day you are being used, played with, and you have a purpose and then it just stops. So you spend everyday thinking, is this the day I will become useful again, is this the day someone will find a reason to give me a purpose. It’s definitely the waiting that drives you crazy.
I remember when Jacob dropped my 300gb hard drive. I’m sure if it had feelings it got tired of the waiting because there is a process you go through when things break, an analysis process. You have to decide whether or not it is worth the time, effort, and money it will take to repair that object or if you should simply replace it. Yea… the waiting has to hurt the worst. It’s like an innocent prisoner being convicted and waiting on his sentence. The story with my hard drive, ended well for him (not so much for me). The hard drive held so many unbacked up, unreplaceable memories, in the form of documents and pictures, that I couldn’t just replace it, so I needed to fix it. So I invested over $2,000 into fixing that thing and holding onto those cherished memories. It was worth it… for me and for him.

Kevin now knows how it feels to be a broken inanimate object waiting and wondering if he is worth fixing or just replaceable.

Resist Not Evil!?

Negativity Breeds Negativity…

“You have heard that it was said, `AN EYE FOR AN EYE, AND A TOOTH FOR A TOOTH.’ “But I say to you, do not resist evil; but whoever slaps you on your right cheek, turn the other to him also.”
Matthew 5:58,39

We have ALL grown up in a society that teaches us to fight fire with fire. They have taught us that when we are faced with evil we have the right to fight. The structure of our whole society depends on matching evil with evil: when someone treats us unfairly we sue them, if someone takes something from us we prosecute them, murderers face murder, and alcoholic father’s deserve to lose their family, the list goes on and on. We have been taught ‘AN EYE FOR AN EYE, AND A TOOTH FOR A TOOTH and it has created a monster; a monster inside of us!
…But Jesus Said
“Do not resist evil; but whoever slaps you on your right cheek, turn the other to him also.”
Jesus changed the name of the game. He was making the point that fighting “fire with fire” only creates more fire. He was asking us to give the fire the opportunity to die out. Instead of meeting evil for evil, present evil with the opportunity to change.
It’s time to start showing we actually believe in the words of Jesus. “Resist not evil.” Face it! Endure it! Give the person the opportunity to make the right choice, and when they fail, do it again.
This might be one of the hardest things to actually live out, to put yourself in a place where you will be hurt, taken advantage of, used, and often times left alone almost completely destroyed in order to give those who chose evil the opportunity to chose differently.

There is no Jesus in giving a man what he deserves, but it’s the very essence of Jesus himself to give a man the opportunity to change, especially when it means facing a lifetime of pain.

“Whoever does not carry his own cross and come after Me cannot be My disciple. Lu 14:27

“Then Peter came and said to Him, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him? Up to seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.” Matt 18:22

“You have heard that it was said, `AN EYE FOR AN EYE, AND A TOOTH FOR A TOOTH.’ “But I say to you, do not resist evil; but whoever slaps you on your right cheek, turn the other to him also. “If anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, let him have your coat also. “Whoever forces you to go one mile, go with him two. “Give to him who asks of you, and do not turn away from him who wants to borrow from you. ” Matt 5:58

The Hierarchy of Relationship and Possible Solutions!

“Humans are so lost and damaged that to you it is almost incomprehensible that people can work together without someone taking charge… It’s one reason why experiencing true relationships is so difficult for you.”
This is a statement made by the God character in the book, “The Shack.” The reason I’m quoting it here is that from my perspective this fact is quite relevant, it is so difficult to have a relationship with someone without one person stepping up and taking control. The person who steps into the more dominant role ends up making all of the decisions, all of the plans (or lack of plans), while the other one sits there quietly submissive. It’s just too easy to slide into that type of relationship, especially when one is older than the other or there is a more dominant or controlling personality involved. I guess it’s the survival of the fittest friendship edition.

Now the way I see it, there are two ways to break free from this type of relationship.

1. To choose independence over relationship. This is usually the solution of choice for the more submissive person in a relationship. It’s a way out. It’s a way to rapidly switch the control into the opposite hands. This choice is often seen as the easiest choice because it allows for the initiator to feel very little pain because it immediately frees them up to pursue their own happiness. The big quandary here being, that anytime independence is chosen over relationship there is a tendency to enter very dangerous territory where others become objects to be controlled, manipulated, or managed for ones own happiness, because now the control is in their hands.
2. The other option is to choose relationship, to begin the messy and difficult process of colliding head to head with another human being by no longer being submissive but still being present. This would be the route of choice for those who are not afraid of being honest and not afraid of feeling pain or causing pain. This option is very much dependent on ones ability to be honest with the way you feel and to remain steadfast in walking through the disaster of emotions and situations that follow with honest, loyalty, and integrity, but to choose to do so together.

Justice for my Pain

Ever since I became addicted to the show “Joan of Arcadia” (a moment of silence please…) I’ve begun to imagine what it would be like to have conversations with God. I’ve decided that maybe it’s time to start sharing some of these discussions… Maybe they’re not just for me! Here is my most recent…

Why is it that in reality the heroes are also the villains… Why is it that the people who change my life for the better eventually turn around to cause me so much pain?

Kevin, the world of heroes and villains as separate entities, is not the world I created. Life was created by choice. I chose you and gave you the ability to choose as you see fit. You need to stop trying to define people in order to label them. People aren’t good or bad, that’s something that just can’t be measured, it’s the choices we make in life that are quantitative. There aren’t heroes or villains but heroic or villainous choices. It gives each person in each situation in each moment the choice to follow their selfish nature or to step outside of themselves into something beyond.
The ideas you have of villains and heroes are your ideas not mine. It’s you trying to get justice for those who are causing you pain. Just because you feel pain does not automatically mean that someone has presented you with some form of evil or evil decision and just because you feel that pain does not give you the right to start judging those who are the source of that pain. See, pain can be an indicator of good relationships and influences as well. The pain in your life is a big part of your story and can only be understood once your story has reached it’s end. Choose to endure, it’s the only way pain will find it’s purpose.

Quote of the Week

“The Heart has it’s reasons, which reason knows nothing of.”
– Blaise Pascal